Dear Falz,

How are you doing today? And I really do hope you are not beside any body of water or with any red and blue pills?

I know you must be thinking if you are a cocoon of a dream that would end When you open your eyes. Lol. Even if you go and wash your eyes in the seven rivers of the world, my friend, nothing would change. Well, except you would see more clearly.

I know fam. I really do know how it feels. Just so you know, unrequited love is still a thing. I have had my own share of experiences (just kidding, you are on your own).

I mean, Mrs Gold(excuse her spontaneous change of name, iz such a simpu sturvs. Get married today, change name tomorrow) strung you along all this while. You became a soldier for her, you debuted her first song and all she could do was look you up and down, side to side and pick Adekunle Gold.
Chei! A whole sweet boy like you!

Whoever these village people may be, they should be appeased in the next festival. Add the egg of a snail and the teeth of a crocodile to the list of the sacrifice.

Or maybe it’s not the village people, maybe it’s just her. Madam Simi is 30. You are 28. Adekunle Gold is 31. You see? She doesn’t like small boys. She can’t be caressed upandan by sweet small boys like some woman who wouldn’t be named in the course of writing this letter. But you know the drill, yeah?

All in all, I plead with you not to despair. Be bold. Focus. The Sweet Boys Association still needs you. You are still their chairman regardless of who played your head.

With love (or grimace),
Adefunke Bolatito